Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the new policy today, officially banning all men with names like Jamie, Shannon, and Terry from participating in combat roles effective immediately. Have a written record of society’s collapse. Become A Member. Get The Paper. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001geULHAA2
David Sudbury spent his entire childhood living in fear. Today, he is a Jammies Survivor. Become an Onion member while it’s still optional. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001geULHAA2
Officials confirmed the White House’s Transgender Alert System was triggered this morning after infrared estrogen sensors in the West Wing detected a large spike in gender fluidity dangerously close to the Oval Office. Become an Onion member while it’s still optional. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001geULHAA2
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The Onion Film Standard: Our film critic reviews The Naked Gun (2025), which rejects the dark, gritty tone of its predecessor and bafflingly opts for comedy instead. Watch the #NakedGun, now playing only in theatres. #paramountpartner
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something. Like The Onion on […]
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Dr. Good explains that being short doesn’t mean you’re sick and that being tall is just as important as you think it is. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ’12 Years A Slave’ in this week’s Film Standard. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
Did Jim’s mom fail him? Watch an extended clip here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SExUqnyXJKY Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
