Pope Francis is in critical condition after being left in the backseat of a hot Popemobile, which was parked outside a Vatican City convenience store for nearly an hour while members of the Swiss Guard “ran in to pick up a few things.” Have a written record of society’s collapse. […]
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the new policy today, officially banning all men with names like Jamie, Shannon, and Terry from participating in combat roles effective immediately. Have a written record of society’s collapse. Become A Member. Get The Paper. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001geULHAA2
David Sudbury spent his entire childhood living in fear. Today, he is a Jammies Survivor. Become an Onion member while it’s still optional. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001geULHAA2
Officials confirmed the White House’s Transgender Alert System was triggered this morning after infrared estrogen sensors in the West Wing detected a large spike in gender fluidity dangerously close to the Oval Office. Become an Onion member while it’s still optional. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001geULHAA2
Become an Onion member while it’s still optional. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001geULHAA2
The Onion Film Standard: Our film critic reviews The Naked Gun (2025), which rejects the dark, gritty tone of its predecessor and bafflingly opts for comedy instead. Watch the #NakedGun, now playing only in theatres. #paramountpartner
Today Now! host Jim Haggerty consoles a severely depressed zoologist on the latest Critter Corner installment. More coverage at: http://onion.com
Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
White House Press Secretary Ted Barrett deflects questions about the gruesome car wreck that killed his wife, instead focusing on the President’s agenda. More coverage at: http://onion.com
An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
