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U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

The Onion | September 26, 2025



Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the new policy today, officially banning all men with names like Jamie, Shannon, and Terry from participating in combat roles effective immediately.

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Written by The Onion

Comments

This post currently has 49 comments.

  2. @georgepruitt637

    September 26, 2025 at 4:55 am

    The VFW bans servicemen from their ranks because they were unable to serve overseas, because of blindness in one eye. Doesn't matter that they served in Alaska and other places their full term of being drafted. They were drafted and served their country in whatever capacity called for, except combat duty.

  4. @nightlightabcd

    September 26, 2025 at 4:55 am

    How do you do, my name is Sue! I guess I don't have to serve in the military after al! Even if there is a draft! But what about cross dressing J. D. Vance and his eye liner?!

  9. @lawrencereichard180

    September 26, 2025 at 4:55 am

    Check out the shot 10 seconds in: the high-ranking officer next to Hegseth is looking at Hegseth as if he were a complete lunatic – which he is, of course. As for the girl-name measure, I understand Maine Sen. Susan Collins is very concerned about it and is studying it very closely. No surprise there~=!

  14. @bman6502

    September 26, 2025 at 4:55 am

    This band does not go far enough.. we should only allow single syllable names in the military.. if a sergeant has to yell out orders, it needs to be quick, can’t spend time with names like Christopher or Jonathan..

  28. @meowmixers9338

    September 26, 2025 at 4:55 am

    WOMEN NEED TO BE WOMEN AND MEN NEED TO BE MEN!

    Or else how will I know who I can discriminate against? I fear a world where people don't know that a person is a worthless slut by her name or her dress from a distance.

  40. @Goodthoughts99122

    September 26, 2025 at 4:55 am

    Years ago on the onion America refused to let gays join the military because “they are too precious” now they are won’t even let men with female names in? China about to surrender after hearing all the masculine names in U.S military.

    The headline:
    😂😂😂 “Diddy rushed from court room to emergency freak-off”

  41. @TRY_KILLING_YOURSELF

    September 26, 2025 at 4:55 am

    Before anything else, the most important step is to ensure you begin on solid ground. A flat surface is crucial, because if the base is unstable, everything that follows will only wobble and collapse under the slightest pressure. Once that’s taken care of, you need to lay out all the pieces in front of you. Don’t rush this part even those small, odd-looking parts that seem insignificant have their role, and overlooking them will only come back to frustrate you later. Start with the largest panel and identify the four points where the supporting beams will eventually connect. Align the pieces so the drilled holes face inward; this is how everything will lock together seamlessly. The connectors might look tricky at first, but they’re designed to click neatly when positioned at the correct angle resist the urge to force them, because over-tightening can cause damage that weakens the entire structure. Once the anchors are in place, attach the four supporting pieces one by one, each at a right angle, making sure that all are level and balanced. This part requires patience; each turn of the hex key should be firm but measured, not excessive. Only when all sides have been secured can the structure be carefully lifted upright. At this stage, everything should stand steadily on its own, strong enough to hold weight yet balanced enough not to tip with the slightest nudge. And in the end, after all that effort, you’ll have created something functional, stable, and ready to support whatever purpose you set upon it strong enough to hold weight yet balanced enough not to tip with the slightest nudge. And that, my friends, is how you set up an IKEA table. I hope this helps 🫶 ❤️.

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