Why we’re bad at being social | The Gray Area
Sean talks with University of Chicago psychologist Nicholas Epley about the strange gap between our need to be social and how social we choose to be. They explore why we underestimate how good conversations will feel, why awkwardness looms so large in our minds, and how small acts of connection can make us happier, less lonely, and more open to the people around us.
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Host: Sean Illing (@seanilling)
Guest: Nicholas Epley
00:00 Intro
00:59 The Paradox of Connection: Why We Avoid Being Social
11:03 The Fear of Awkwardness
19:31 Why We Get Cold Feet: The Approach-Avoidance Conflict
27:51 The Surprising Kindness of Honesty
38:21 Why We Should Skip Small Talk and Go Deep
46:17 Simple Social Experiment for connection
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Comments
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@ET0a5
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
I work in a small sandal shop where tourists come in everyday, I do small talk with them all the time. It’s such a good feeling on both sides. They always end with “we’ll be back at this shop”! 😊
@shanemoran6617
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
14:44 the data don't really support the guy sounds like a smart guy
@stephenmbaabu2498
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
Really insightful.
@mydogisbailey
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
Yes we’re social, but not just with anyone. These superficial transient forced interactions with randos are meaningless
@alanbernard7558
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
No offense I watch vox because it felt different then other channels but these topics aren’t really anything yes sad but most of it just due to the time we live
@LibraryCake
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
this is one of the most important things we can do rn in our isolated american society … find brief comfort, joy, acceptance, and love from a stranger
@altioc
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
I genuinely don't know that I would be happier being social. I hear that it's important all the time but not only do I not want to I don't feel like it is worth it after I have.
@EricStemen
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
This is a really good interview. Part of what I do for a living is perform interviews for videos and a good deal of what Nicholas talks about holds up about talking to people.
@Tripper111
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
What a great topic what a great video. Thanks
@HeidiThompson7
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
I love random little connections. They're important.
@IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl-v9h
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
We dont interact with each other because people are horrible creatures.
@Bishop_Geralt
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
I tried testing it at the gym today, it didn’t work 😢
@vettie
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
Don't care. Don't talk to me unless I'm actively crying out for help. Even then, I wouldn't fault you if you simply walked past.
@Erickchicas
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
Why we’re bad at being social?
– We are not.
@Puckerbutt1
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
5:30 for your case that might not be true, but for my case, it is true it does make the experience worse. If you talk to somebody sometimes I can give you a perfect example a year or go on Fourth of July. Our boat broke down and we’re at the boat launch stuck. This guy walked up to us as I’m a mechanic. I can help you out so we let the mechanic guy help us out afterwards. My mom wanted a socialize with him, asking questions to talk to him and be nice so she invited him on our boat with his daughter not only was the guy a little weird and antisocial as well but his daughter was rambunctious and was running everywhere over our boat and ended up breaking and ripping our seats and causing more damage than good. If my mother never invited him on the boat, we could’ve avoided that situation entirely and we could’ve had my father repaired the boat who lived less than a mile down the street from the boat launch so not every time is a good time to socialize, especially with sketchy people
@junglebooksteve
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
You would get on great in Ireland! I love finding old bars in small towns and chatting to random people. Lately I've been doing it in the cities too
@paddleduck5328
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
29:30 interesting talk thanks!
@navinvent
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
On a plane, to a woman next to what's the book you are reading, she turns away, alrighty then, i havent chatted up with anyone since then.
@nrsrymj
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
Asocial, not antisocial
@Here4TheHeckOfIt
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
Meh. The U.S. is now a low trust society. That's why no one talks to each other.
@kencube86
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
I would rather sitting alone quietly to myself than having small talk with others. Many small talk are meaningless for the sake of having conversations.
@explorten
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
0:41 from that intro is I wanna try the drugz hes on
@jjutt87
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
I blame capitalism 🫠
@jurandfantom
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
ahh small talks… best way for neurodiversity person to ruin day by make it awkward, start chain of thoughts over next few days when whole conversion is rolled in head on repeat to analise every small bit, ruin concentration and many more.
agree that connections with people is important but as long as both sides agree for it instead forcefully intrusion into somebody personal space (including mind).
@Holland1917
May 26, 2026 at 3:51 pm
God do I hate elevator nothing talk. Just no. It ruins my f*ckin day