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The Case of the East Bay Killer

Joel Haver | September 9, 2026

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This post currently has 39 comments.

  1. @cameroncollins7890

    September 9, 2026 at 10:38 am

    That really blows, all his long hard work left him with a throbbing head. See men, sometimes you get your hands and knees dirty, you stand erect, but life hands you dysfunction and you drop the balls. Shouldnt have been so cocky

  2. @icepic2142

    September 9, 2026 at 10:38 am

    Alt Ending:

    The phone. It rings.

    The Chief, he answers it.

    "Yes…uh huh…yeah, whatd you find out-wait, he's WHAT?! Are you freaking kidding me here, God Dammit, and they just released the news to the press."

    He slams the phone, and paces angrily,

    "Aahhhh, the mayor's gonna have my balls in a vice for this…."

    His rage surmounted, he directs his wrath to the closest thing he had to a son.

    "KEELEY!" , the chief roared, "That was the city morgue…turns out that 'killer' you caught wasn't the killer at all! He didn't have a birthmark on his penis the size of a penny, it was just a clamidya scab on his penis, the size of a penny! A scab, Keeley! A DAMN SCAB, PENNY SIZED!"

    "B..b…but chief, what's wrong about that?"

    "IT MEANS, KEELEY, THAT YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY, KEELEY. YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY, WHO FRIED TONIGHT INSTEAD OF THE KILLA, KEELEY"

    "Wait, no…sir, wasn't me that got him, it was the rookie, yeah! I was too busy at home, pleasing my wife!"

    "But you never lie to me Keeley. YOU'D NEVAH LIE"

    The rookie, seeing his rival caught in his own trap, maintains composure yet smartly exits the office.

    As he walks down the stairs of the precinct, the sounds of the Chief verbally ripping Keeley a new scuba hole fade into the hustle and bustle of the typewriters being typed away by the desk jockey, like dutiful little marmosets on percocets and cheap bourbon.

    He takes his exit into the cool night air, looks up to the stars, and takes a deep breath. He thinks about this poetic justice that transpired, all his suffering leading to this one moment of his rivals comeuppance, then exhales, the fleeting feeling of victory soon replaced with awareness of its tragic cost.

    "Haaa…..i can't believe I looked at a man's penis while he peed. Gross."

    The End.

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