The Art of Receiving Feedback | Big Think
The Art of Receiving Feedback
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Douglas Stone, a Managing Partner at Triad Consulting Group and a Lecturer at Harvard Law School, on the importance of feedback in business. Stone is the co-author of “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well”
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Douglas Stone :
Douglas Stone is a Managing Partner at Triad Consulting Group and a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School, where he teaches negotiation. Through Triad, he consults to a wide range of organizations, including Fidelity, Honda, HP, IBM, Merck, Microsoft, Shell, the Nature Conservancy, and the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center.
Doug has also taught and mediated around the world. He has worked with mediators and journalists in South Africa, Greek and Turkish political and community leaders in Cyprus, doctors and executives at the World Health Organization, and diplomats at the former Organization of African Unity in Ethiopia.
Doug is co-author, along with Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (Penguin, 2000), a New York Times Business Bestseller. His new book is Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Douglas Stone: So the ability to turn down feedback and create boundaries is crucial to receiving feedback well and really to creating healthy relationships. One of the paradoxes of receiving feedback well is that in order to be able to say yes you also have to be able to say no. If you can’t say no to feedback what ends up happening is you’re constantly saying yes and maybe resentment builds up and then instead of actually engaging and having conversation, we might just end up fleeing the relationship altogether because there’s just too much pressure in it.
So there are three boundaries that are useful. One is simply saying I’m willing to listen to your thoughts and your advice but I may not take it. Another is saying the place that I’m in right now, your advice is not helpful so I would prefer that you not give it to me. And then the most stringent boundary is saying do not give me this advice and if you continue to give me this advice I’m gonna have to leave the relationship or I’m gonna have to – there are gonna be some consequences that I have to impose.
So one key in turning down feedback is to use the word and. And what that really means is to – you can be firm in turning down feedback but also appreciate the potentially positive intentions that someone has. Your friend or sibling may be giving you advice on dating, so it’s driving you crazy but their intention is positive. So you can say, you know, I understand that you care about me and you love me and you want me to have a happy life. At the same time, in other words and, and it’s having a negative impact on me. So you can appreciate the intention and then also turn down the actual feedback.
It’s important when turning down feedback to be specific. Don’t simply say, “You’re driving me crazy” or “Stop annoying me” or “Stop giving me feedback.” Be explicit and specific about the topic that is upsetting you. So, for example, if a friend is staying with you over the weekend say, “If you’re gonna stay here for the weekend I request that you not give me advice about my parenting or that you not comment on my parenting.” And then explain why – explain why it’s upsetting. That gives the other person at least a fighting chance of complying with what’s important to you.
It’s also useful to be specific about the timeframe. So is this your asking as you get your feet under you as a new parent is this something that you just would like their complaints the first few months that they not be badgering you or maybe it’s your whole life. It’s also important if there are gonna be consequences, if you’re thinking, “Gee, if you’re gonna continually give me advice about my parenting it’s gonna cause me to try to avoid you sometimes and that’s upsetting for me as well as for you.” So if that’s the case, if you really are gonna be avoiding the person they should know the potential consequences. And then the last piece of it is to be, to get their ascent. In other words, to say, “So I’ve made a request. Is it clear to you and is that something that you can agree to.” And once they’ve signed on they have a certain level of commitment to it so they can say, you know, hopefully they say, “Yes, I won’t mention your parenting style.” And then if they do it’s easier for you to reference it as well.
Read the full transcript at https://bigthink.com/videos/the-art-of-receiving-feedback/
@RemotePossibilities1
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
This was great advice, and the examples were very helpful. (In 1 or 2 of the YouTube comments, people said the advice was just common sense. True enough, yet in the heat of a "feedback" conversation, people tend to act/react from emotion, and they forget all about common sense! So it's well worth getting clear and specific reminders of what to say, like in the video.)
@weewilly2007
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
yes "setting boundaries", hot button issue. Namely due to my own experience of having someone shamelessly abuse the term and its definition, by translating it to I will do as I please and I don't owe you anything, not even an explanation. Ironically, I believe this interpretation was based on advice this person received from somewhere or other. Advice similar to the kind being dished out here possibly
@kellyshunk511
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Is it me or did this guy just spout out a lot of common sense.
@kamisamaz
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Big Think this video sucks. Read the comments. This guy strung together used anal beads and claims it is a pearl necklace.
@zenzylok
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Giving feedback on how to give feedback, fascinating.
@Breakbeats92.5
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Very useful information. My grandmother often gives me advice and I'm not always receptive to it as I feel her suggestions are antiquated. I don't want to be mean or rude to her as she has done so much for me and other family members. This clip shows how we can tell people that we are going about life in a manner that we see fit in a tactful way.
@Blooper1980
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
HAha.. you said… dudy….
@AquaSteel
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Feedback is always important, regardless of the source. Mind you do not just believe everything your are told but you should not turn down the potential to learn. Even dumb people have good ideas its only a matter of refining their concept into reality. To put up boundaries is to subject yourself to ignorance and lose out on the chance to learn anything from that source.
@PinkyPuff69
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
I needed this right now!
@kamisamaz
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
My god this rambling shitty advice what is this I don't even
@beatrizvaldes986
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Curiously, I think of feedback as positive comments! And of criticism, as negative observations from others.
@klloyd3530
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Wow! I passed this on to a former lover who wasn't able to be honest enough to set the boundaries discussed. We often use being polite, or lapse into aggression because we don't have the courage to defend our convictions. I know because I have worn all three T-shirts. The strength of my convictions fits best… doesn't chafe.. I can live, and happily die in it because it is authentic.
@JungleJargon
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Don't be so cruel to yourself, listen to what people have to say.
@JungleJargon
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
That is the "Art" of (not) Receiving Feedback…
@wdh1550
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
donout , notthing, this is latin for me. not a word i got off wat he trais to say. if this wold be in zulu ore Aramaic language it wold be just ass god for me.
@jordanmartenstyn4083
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
did this video have a point?
@thebogster01
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
do you have enough willpower to give someone the silent treatment?
@toonu
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Not everybody researchs methods of communicating, by this I mean if you just copy and paste this dudes strategy into your relationships it's not going to work on certain imdividuals in your groups. For example, my frend who I see seldom is a construction worker, he doesn't give a shit about alternative communication. From his perspective as a friend he feels that he can say what he likes to me, if when meeting I would begin with "I request that you don't talk about X because of Y" he's going to act differently towards me because I put up that barrier straight away. The conversation has limitations and will not flow as it normally would.
Establishing parameters before the conversation kicks off is not always the best solution, sometimes it's just easier to let someone say or ask what they like and then tell them some sort of bullshit just to get that part of the conversation over with as fast as possible. Most people understand if you are trying to dodge a particular subject, especially a friend. It depends on the person and ultimately how well you know the person and how they would react to your communication strategy.
@DevilishDragonite
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
I feel this is extreme over complication of a very basic human ability. I feel there is no "one size fits all" to any kind of social/communication issue and up to each relationship to figure out what works.
@josephvictory9536
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
man a lot of people below are really cranky. I wonder if big think should turn down that feedback hahahaha
@CallmeoldfashionedV2
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Great piece. Ive had this conversation with my husband lately about how we could all use communication lessons.
@HanSDevX
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Common Big Think, you used to be cool until you brought on all these crack heads and feminists. Say no to feedback is stupid. That guy doesn't know what he's saying.
@Informandengage
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
People don't give me enough feedback.
@joesymposium
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
If he didn't say "you" to me when he's talking himself then "I" wouldn't feel the need to turn down his feedback. And then we could have a discussion about his problem with me.
@ferion11
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
Very good and very useful! For people like me that can make the others cry easily, it's good to know how to say "NO" without hurt the others feelings. Thanks a lot
@Overonator
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
"Fuck off" works for everyone. :p
@dylanparker130
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
seems so sad how relevant this must feel for many people
@s.flanders
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
I've been told a few times now that I don't take feedback well, despite the fact that I'm readily willing to acknowledge my shortcomings and how I could've done better.
@hughjarce5014
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
This is basically another advertisement for a book.
I remember when BT had folks come on and speak about subjects that didn't happen to be expanded upon in a book they just happen to have recently released which just happened to feature in the overlays to the video they were in.
At least we have been given something to (big) think about regarding the potential business models that exists behind the operation of this youtube page.
It's a shame really, as there is plenty of good stuff on youtube that isn't a covert plug for a product.
@ARobs42
January 18, 2026 at 12:23 pm
I don't want less feedback, I want more!
Comments are closed.