Ted Cruz: Everything You Didn’t Know About His Sh*tty Past
In our 45th episode of This F*cking Guy, Erin and Alyssa dive deep into the past of the wimpy blobfish himself, Ted Cruz. From his pedantic debate team days, to his impeccable vacation timing with natural disasters, to bending the knee to Trump after he degraded his wife, to getting dog-walked by Tucker Carlson, this may be our most craven guy, yet!
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CHAPTERS
0:00 – Intro
1:05 – Early Life and Lies About His Father
7:32 – Unlikeable Even in College
9:55 – Clerking for SCOTUS
11:29 – Meeting His Wife on the George W. Bush Campaign
14:58 – Corporate Lawyer and First Senate Campaign
16:14 – Early Senate Career
18:54 – Ted Cruz’s Obamacare Filibuster Fails
19:38 – Is Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer?
21:15 – Ad Break
24:18 – Ted Cruz’s Obsession with Quoting Movies
28:56 – 2016 Presidential Campaign Against Donald Trump
33:27 – Ted Cruz as the Most Hated Senator
37:14 – Ted Cruz Skips Town When Trouble Comes
41:05 – Tucker Carlson Takes Down Ted Cruz
47:27 – Rating Ted Cruz on the Matrix
Sources: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WuaJRfC8OL8_tE4hy-SH2ylt0rKUQ4x7puI6l_z14aQ/edit?usp=sharing
For a transcript of an episode of Hysteria, please email transcripts@crooked.com.
Political commentator and comedy writer Erin Ryan and former White House Deputy Chief of Staff Alyssa Mastromonaco are joined by a bicoastal squad of funny, opinionated women to talk through everything from reproductive rights to romcoms. They break down the political news of the week, plus the topics, trends, and cultural stories that affect women’s lives. New episodes drop every Thursday. Get in touch: hysteria@crooked.com.
Photos courtesy of AP Photo Archive
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@SeatroutSalmon-xg4bf
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
please do Farage or Johnson
@ADMulhearn
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
I wish you’d warned me there was a clip of James Corden
@Lovelylittlegabby
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Erin you are an iconic wordsmith and so wonderfully executed!Some of the most epic lines that make me cackle 😂
@leftfieldline33
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
How have you not done Ted Cruz yet!? 😅
@JSciolino-jk3tq
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
You can see him at an airport heading to the Caribbean whenever there’s an emergency or bad weather in Texas.
That’s called Cruz Control.
@sharimullinax3206
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
How did Cruz think he could be president, since he was not born in the US.
@gillianstracke
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
The ted cruz interview made me open my eyes and change my view on everything and No i was never a ted cruz or tucker fan before😂😂😂
@MikeElissen
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Rafael ´even my daughters hate me´ Cruz only 45th in line? He´ll be upset about this😅
@user-fl1lf6gc4z
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Bright guy, lights dimmed.
@CJPrice2070
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Unfortunately, I live in Texas now. So, I get to deal with him. Hooray. As for how I personally feel about him, I'll refer to two songs to get my point across: "It's For The Kids" by Anthrax, and "Your Guts (I Hate Em)" by Reel Big Fish.
@pudwellion
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Champion debator at Princeton.. I can't believe you didn't refer to him as a Master Debator!
@AbnormalObs
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Where are my comments section…
@butterflyladeda1080
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Terrible lighting for Erin.
@datisalaee4693
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
You know? When you say This F_cking Guy brought to you by….I'm thinking F_CK that Sponsor for bringing us that F_cking Guy!!! 🤣
@melody-13
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
TFG request:
Jeanine pirro
@babetteshaw
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Hey! So good to see you, Alyssa!
You are missed…
And…Cruz is just as we expected.
Nasally whiner. “Master” (de)bater.
A slimy ML sales grifter.
Never liked.
Thank you, both!
🩷❤️🧡🌸🪶🇺🇸⚖️🗽
@jahnwishart-ly6ov
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Ted's wife's boyfriend publicly stated to reporters that " Ted had better start doing some push-ups if he ever hopes of having a shot in the majors again" he stated with a wink. I'm not sure what the boyfriend meant, but it can't be too complimentary. He still gets to watch, sometimes, if it's his birthday.
The rest of the time, he's watching 'the Princess Bride' in the guest bedroom.
@forgivethedream
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
why did texas reelect this creep ,they elect deplorables again and again it brings the nation down .lone star should seceed from the union go on now ….and take joe rogen with you
@pdxt120
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
You guys discuss Ted Cruz’ Presidential campaign and never bring up the fact that he was born in Canada and therefore not eligible to be President. With all of Trump’ birther shit about Obama how is it that Trump never brought up the fact that Cruz was born in Canada!
@GiovannaHI
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Glad to see Alyssa again. 😊
@GiovannaHI
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Ted Cruz is such a craven jerk.
I call him Raphael the Rodent.
@rarephoenix
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
18:19 Don't be joking around, maybe we should restrict to some size or greater 😅
@RobinCrusoe1952
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
The masterdebater😂
@Goonerette75
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Can you please do "officer" tatum?
@dewulfe9913
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
"Fucking guy" on "Fucking guy" crime 🤣🤣🤣omg, I'm dying 😂😂😂
@PaulStatz-xl3em
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
The part of the Bible Cancun Cruz thinks he is talking about actually is the descendants of Moses and Abraham which is the land he is searching for Mind you Teddy those people were from the middle east and would be dark complected Look at your idea of Israel and the names of most They're White European descendants of people that converted to Judism not true descendants of the people in the Bible I challenge you Cruz have DNA testing done and watch your crumby understanding of the Bible fail like you're try at the presidency You are on the floor shooting that egotistical mouth about stuff you don't know shit about Come on get the test and let's see how many are children in the line of Moses you Jackass
@mediabreakdown8963
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
One Mother Tucker interviewing another Mother Tucker.
@terryworley2561
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
I thought Cruz was born in Canada? How can he run for POTUS?
@dewulfe9913
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
"Speaking of Ted Cruz jacking it…"
Alyssa: "No!" 😂
Alyssa is such good value 🙂
@skajohncarter
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
42:00 Thanks for curating the Tucker stuff. That channel doesn't need anymore views.
@RyanFeatherston
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Raphael Edward Cruz; Calling him Ted enables him to keep doing what he is doing.
@michaelm8806
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Outstanding to see Alyssa again
@B34NS
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
GTA sound effects* WasTED! *
Gotta do one on Doug Burgum soon. Fucking guy is like a snake constantly shedding his awful skin going all the way back to Standing Rock 10 years ago, and before with the shale oil boom and bust.
@donbolin3450
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Funny as always.
@michaelm8806
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
💙💙💙💙💙
@richardvickrey4786
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
God Bless the ghost of John McCain. He was one of the Great Ones. On the other side of those who are still alive, methinks both Mike Lee & Ted Cruz will NEVER be "redeemable for points." Reason? Because they both SUCK!
@davidparker527
August 10, 2026 at 10:49 am
Ted Cruz has a greater commitment to fictional characters than he does to Texans freezing to death.
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