How to be less neurotic | The Gray Area
If you could change anything about your personality, anything at all, what would it be? And why would you want to change it?
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Writer Olga Khazan spent a year trying to answer those questions, and documented the experience in her new book Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change.
In this episode, which originally aired in March of 2025, Sean speaks with Olga about the science of personality change, the work it takes to change yourself, and what makes up a personality, anyway.
00:00 Intro
02:16 What is ‘personality?’
08:07 Neuroticism and you
15:31 The ‘best’ personality
19:52 The science of personality change
29:57 Is being ‘well-adjusted’ always good?
31:38 Practical ways to make changes
Host: Sean Illing (@SeanIlling)
Guest: Olga Khazan, author of Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change.
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@beckmp4
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
I wonder how much of introversion can be attributed to social anxiety – that a big part of what makes someone more introverted or extroverted is our thoughts about ourselves and others – and that if you can change those thoughts then you can change how introverted you are? I guess I've always seen myself as an introvert and simply thought, this is the way that I am, but then I would find times that I would really seek out human interaction and feel really energized by it afterwards and I would think, isn't that kinda the definition of being an extrovert? Again for a while I just attributed the difference/change to specific groups/individuals that maybe I felt safer and more comfortable with, but then if so much of it comes down to feelings of comfort and safety then it is thoughts/feelings and the presence or absence of anxiety, right? I don't necessarily desire or enjoy human interaction any less than anyone else. It's just that my anxiety might make me enjoy an interaction less and then I might choose avoidance as a way of trying to alleviate the discomfort that I felt, but the desire to connect with others doesn't go away. Maybe this speaks more to myself specifically, but these are things that I've been thinking of and seem related to this discussion of tweaking parts of personality. Perhaps just a slightly different angle or wording than what was shared in this video.
@Ddub1083
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
You misspelled your own show in the intro video.
@harrisondefalco4290
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
😭
@tokyodrifttt
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
“There’s more to life than just happiness” ?!?!?!
@cristianpuerto5549
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
15:47 what kind of traits correlate with happiness & well being
@michalvalko248
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
Psychedelics are good tool for this
@DocuGrip
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
The obsession with forced self-improvement often stops us from accepting who we actually are. Glad to see Vox tackling this nuance.
@machine69420
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
been following Joanna Stern since she was at Engadget and it's hilarious that I've seen her and co. review hundreds of smartphones and she won't let her children have one. That's telling at how corrupted these apps and the internet have become
@longstride_effortless
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
I think the main issue is that the terms "personality" and "change" are too broad.
Some people will push themselves to experience uncomfortable situations and some won't. Olga considers herself an introvert but she's also the type of person that can push herself to tinker with that 10% mentioned.
She comments she's still an anxious adult and that will never change, but she's made peace with that and built upon it to work towards her targets.
Some could consider that her personality changed because she's experiencing new situations by her own accord, others could say her personality is the same and it's her own self that drover her to develop new tools.
My perspective is that people don't change but (most) can grow, barring extraordinary trauma.
If you're anxious, you'll always be anxious, but you could build over that. You could have an addictive personality, and you can also know temperance.
But If you're the type of person that can't push themselves to grow then you'll probably be stuck that way forever.
@user-q6kgv80dvvf
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
I like how the speaker sounds honest and is willing to share her personal experiences.
@UnlimitedDiarrhea
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
I think on average, the world would be a better place if more people were more neurotic
@petrichor3797
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
Through enough time and effort a person can achieve nearly anything, and changing yourself just requires that you first get to know yourself.
@Lily-zE9
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
Its not that we can or cannot – what would the people we see everyday think about our changed personality ? like how easy or difficult it would be for the people connected to us – to accept this change . ..
@ibec69
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
You cannot change yourself. You can try and exert great effort into pressuring yourself to change. The moment the pressure is lifted you’re back to where you started. You will always go back to factory settings.
@senshai1267
September 9, 2026 at 6:49 am
Its not that we can or cannot – what would the people we see everyday think about our changed personality ? like how easy or difficult it would be for the people connected to us – to accept this change .