Esther Perel on the Difference Between Sexuality and Eroticism | Big Think
Esther Perel on the Difference Between Sexuality and Eroticism
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Esther Perel discusses the very important distinction between sex and eroticism, the latter being exclusive to humans. Perel is recognized as one of the world’s most original and insightful voices on personal and professional relationships. She is the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, translated into 25 languages.
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ESTHER PEREL:
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author who is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a private therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered nearly 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon translated into 24 languages. Her newest book is New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (HarperCollins). Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular Audible original podcast Where Should We Begin?
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TRANSCRIPT:
Esther Perel: So, one way to distinguish between sexuality and eroticism, which I think is actually a profound distinction, is that animals have sex and it is the nature, it is the primary urge, it is the instinct, it is procreative. We have an erotic life. We transform sexuality. We socialize sexuality through our imagination. And the central agent of the erotic act is our creativity, our imagination, or ability to renew, our ability to anticipate, to imagine ourselves in an act in which we may have a blissful time with multiple orgasms without touching anybody just because we can imagine ourselves in it. We can envision the act without having to actually enact it. And it is the cultivation of pleasure for its own sake. But I think modernity really narrowed the erotic into its bare sexual meaning. Whereas historically the mystics looked at eroticism as that capacity of maintaining aliveness, vibrancy, vitality, life source, life energy.
When I listen to couples complain about the listlessness of their sex lives, they sometimes may want more sex but they always want better. And the better is to reconnect with that quality of renewal, of playfulness, of aliveness, of curiosity, of mystery, of transcendence, that is part of the erotic. It is that erotic intelligence that I have actually focused on in helping people and couples develop. It’s not about statistics and performance, how often, how hard, how long, how many. The erotic is profoundly unproductive. It is a radiant state. It is a moment of interlude in between all our productive life. When you are actually just feeling good for it’s own sake. And that is a very different conception of sexuality. No longer just as something that you do but as a space you enter, a place you go inside yourself with another. Where are you traveling? Where does it take you? What do you express there? What parts of life, of mystery, of the spiritual do you connect with? That’s a very different question looking at the meaning of sex rather than doing sex.
First of all, when you are creative you often are erotic. You feel alive. You feel radiant. You feel vibrant. Sometimes you feel very confident. Sometimes you don’t feel confident, you are in pain but you feel alive so you can experience both of these extremes. They very much intersect. That’s why for all of history we used to call it the erotic arts. We didn’t call it erotic intelligence the way we – today our organizing concept is more around intelligence if you want, which fits the times. So creativity is about going outside of the boundaries. It’s about being non-linear. It’s about expansiveness. It’s about connecting dots that are not necessarily so obvious to connect and then to create a whole new reality with it. And our erotic imagination actually plays along very similar lines. It takes you outside of your boundaries. It takes you into a reality that often exists only in the imaginary world. Many of us will fantasize about things that we would never want in real life. We actually would be demonstrating against it in real life. But there is something about going beyond our consciousness, beyond our self-definition, beyond our boundaries that I guess we call transcendence. And that is very much a part of the erotic experience and therefore it feels …
Read the full transcript at https://bigthink.com/videos/why-sex-and-eroticism-are-different-with-esther-perel
@edgartokman4898
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
It could be that you are blessed with a body that produces those feelings and like taking pics of yourself naked. Erotic people have it the best in my opinion. Erotic people are into masturbation. They are into themselves. …regular people are into sex
@VallinSFAS
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Esther has singularly defined why Anaïs Nin and Ayn Rand are my favourite authors [and why Emerson Lake & Palmer and Renaissance are my favourite bands]!
@breathe.move.perform.health
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Such a potent few minutes❤️
@rockinintheuae
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Shes so poetic in how she speaks and so lovely in the way she presents how fabulous is Esther 👏👏👏
@josedess8823
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
She’s exceptional and bright and very intelligent too. Today’s sexual and love is different from yesteryears. Well I am nearly 67 years old and I remember that my grandmother had 14 children big difference from today. Well religion in these years played a big part specially with the word SINS. Today is a lot different I think. Thanks to a very special Esther Perel thanks again.
@MarkConnely
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
I have shared this clip so many times I can't count them. Esther Perel touches on some very profound and important truths about human nature and sexuality here, and it's rewarding to really listen to her ideas and take them forward – recognize how they apply to yourself and use them to improve your ability to explore and experience your own erotic imagination more fully and directly , familiarize yourself with those dynamics, which in turn improves/ enriches your sex life.
@eleonoraformatoneeszczepan8807
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Judicious you say. Ok. It's been over a year, account finalised, and …… I'm completely getting crushed without him. He was professional and treated me with respect. I was able to be me. I miss that. As far as I'm concerned, he (Tim Adey) is still the one, in theory. (It's been more like five years now … 2017/18 … it's now 2022.)
@user-yk9sk7pg6v
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Wow.
@juliem1674
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Oh my…..is it wrong to say AMEN!! She is soooo right on every point. Focus on intimacy before, during, after sex…..to many people focus on the sex part and forget to build on the intimacy part.
@thibod07
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Brilliant philosophy! Amazing to think that those concepts have been existing for so long yet the physical sex is all the time the restricting topic that screw it all up! 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁
@davidalvarez13
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Amazing concepts from a scientific point of view. The fact that even sex can be analysed and tackled from a Science perspective is simply breath taking !! 🙂
@JohanStarDragon
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Hmmmm. I considered the difference between the two as internal and external. Sexuality is internal in that it's innate in a person (sometimes, I'm including those who are asexual in that statement). Whereas eroticism is more external, something that stimulates sexuality.
@badoocee1967
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
The wanting of sex, yes that alone remains with the individual. Statistically speaking, it's a fact of life among the young populous of Japan.
@dudeeeee69
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
(2:45) I ain't gonna point out that which position of 'Kamasutra' would rather make me feel alive Hmm
@AldSotha
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
She is a hot MILF 🙂 interesting talk
@Steadno
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Damn granny got me heavy
@Dunted
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Yeah, I could waste a lot of my time explaining in a scientific way that this is a load of shite, but It is suffice to say that it's a load of shite.
@jackhousman6637
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
FOR ONCE I get to view a talk on sexuality, where we DON'T have some self-styled Christian stomping in and ranting that the rest of us should get our minds off sex, stop talking about it, stop thinking about it, stop masturbating, and accept Jesus Christ as our Personal Savior. What a joy.!!!
@uiuiuiseraph
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
I can fap to this
@ngv001
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
That was superb – eloquently spoken, informative & insightful. Also, I was imagining some very creative things I'd like to do with her…
@marikstongue5663
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Well said.
@kstdak
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Money = better sexuality and better sex,
No money = hell !!!
That's it …
@MrJesseDeBeste
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Interesting
@mitjakocjancic2205
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Ugh… this was the worst thing I ever saw on Big Thing…
Not because of the subject matter, I really liked the video with the guy who talked about lust, but this was just… ignorant… and stupid.. impossible to take seriously.
The very brginning already made me question her, since she implied humans aren't animals.
@黒人おじさん
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Haha this lady..
@cirusMEDIA
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Retired sex worker???
@petzsch
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
just read about brain orgasms this morning – this came just at the right time 😀
I'm currently outperforming myself at the university due to beeing heads over heels in [whatever you wanna call it] ^^
@OmniphonProductions
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
I never really thought about it in these terms, drawing a line between eroticism and sexuality. Some good points, eye opening. Other than the demonstrably erroneous notion that humans are the only species to engage in sexual "pleasure for its own sake," there are some wonderful observations on "erotic health".
@paulfurtak1440
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
One day it was BIG THINKING about BIG QUESTIONS Michio Kaku and so on. Now it's all about sex or other meaningless discussion.
@nancypineda3973
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Whats wrong with her forehead
@panpiper
November 22, 2025 at 12:38 pm
Now there is a sexy mind. 🙂
Comments are closed.