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Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

The Onion | March 16, 2026



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After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems.

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Written by The Onion

Comments

This post currently has 49 comments.

  1. @TeaTreeTerrific

    March 16, 2026 at 12:59 pm

    my soul is raped;

    I wake up every morning hitting the snooze button

    and begging to die

    I can barely breathe

    through the pain I'm feeling.

    It's like a 999-trillion pound weight on top of my chest.

    I am breathless in my agony.

    My soul is raped.

    I am tormented and tortured by grief and sorrow.

    The rape of my soul is ceaseless and impossible to run from,

    it goes with me everywhere. I am trapped in hell.

    I could weep and wail forever and ever

    for how much I ache.

    loneliness rapes me.

    I am raped.

    red hot white burning homicidal rage burns through me.

    there's no escape.

    red hot white burning homicidal rage

    and 999-trillion oceans of suicidal grief.

    I can no longer bear the hell I'm in.

    I want out.

    I want to die.

    and I'm terrified of death.

    demonic torment in my mind

    affecting all areas of my life.

    this is spiritual warfare.

    doors were opened through being abused and neglected

    and having my self esteem raped out of me,

    my whole life.

  2. @janb92

    March 16, 2026 at 12:59 pm

    As a lesbian, this is my experience with my straight/bi friends showing me the men they’re interested in 😂 average and useless af

  3. @PeteCrawfordCrawford

    March 16, 2026 at 12:59 pm

    You know what's sad? That if this were not "The Onion" channel, you would not even know if this is satire or not. Yeah, women do have these standards. Hypergamy really is out of control.

  4. @resir9807

    March 16, 2026 at 12:59 pm

    During my civil service, I was by far the cutest guy there. I was getting chatted up by my female colleagues daily, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I never saw them talk to another guy. Maybe cause I was the only one

  5. @starra.starra

    March 16, 2026 at 12:59 pm

    It's not just about the looks. Consider the person's aura. In high school there was this guy who looked a bit like Quasimodo. But he's the smartest in class, plays guitar and drums, he's also funny, basketball team captain, president of student government, school newspaper editor, so many girls have a crush on him. Meanwhile there was this guy who looked like Jesse McCartney. He has the same personality as a potato. He could be a Hollywood hunk. But he was so boring and uninteresting. Nobody liked that guy

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