Local Teen Invents Masturbation | Onion News Network
Shane O’Donnell might seem like an ordinary teenager. But after countless hours of research and experimentation, what he’s discovered is anything but ordinary.
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@StopDoingThatNow
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Don't let that guy come over to your house!
@KirbyCoder
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
That man's a fucking genius
@qwertykevin1
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
13 holy shit haha
@dboyzetown
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
I feel like 80% of guys did this at some point in their lives
The other 20% learned from someone else
@Zyrone0
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Can we stop sexualising children
@RBlue118
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
I'm sorry, the immediate jump from this story to "You've seen the news, now /touch it with your fingers/" killed me
@jasonmurdoc9533
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
God where was this kid when I was young? We used to just run our junk directly against the dry wall
@creepergirlgaming7912
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
We found him. Jack Ingoff.
@TallLameBean
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
thank you
@Paulie-v2t
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
It's just a fad.
@NinjaAssassin9898
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
He came he grabbed he conquered
@8dust666
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
It all started when I fell asleep on my arm and accidentally invented the phantom spank
@TheTrex2023
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
My brother could’ve done this
@Sagninaw
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
On behalf of us men we appreciate the HARD work this boy did for us all!!
@freddenker9537
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
100,000 sperm murders. That's like abortion… when the" US mothers in Jesus" experience that
@freddenker9537
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
I heard that the Vatican wants to acquire the patent
der Vatikan moechte das Patent erwerben habe ich gehoert
@CowTaurog
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
“stroke of genius” lmao I hate y’all
@purever305
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
So before him, no one masturbate in Onion universe.
@davids.t.2372
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Look up in bible about Masturbating its a sin
@newYorkStories
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Damn, he stole my idea
@enriquegarcia2612
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
That reminds me of the title of an old book, " How I fought masturbation single-handed." I think I saw it in the british library. It's worth reading it, written by someone who invented masturbation years ago
@order6680
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
What comes around is all around
@gustav_a.mozumder2011
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
I don’t get it, I’m a bit older than 12 and even I know that he didn’t invent this; why even make such a ridiculous video?
@alancharlton3867
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
I was hoping for a demonstration!
How are we supposed to know what he means with no graphic details?
@penny15lolk
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
The shot where he's just staring at her is the funniest shit ever.
@c.johnson1691
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
I started when I was only 5 after visiting a dairy farm and seeing cows being milked. I thought if I had one "tit," I'd try milking it. It took me several tries before I found out (probably about at age 6) that if I milked it long enough, I"d experience this wonderful orgasm. I've been jerking it 3 to 4 times per day ever since when not having sex.
@MarkB.-mo3lz
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Dont scan his room with a blacklight! He probably plastered the walls.😂😂
@graceonline320
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
This is highly inappropriate considering the subject matters involves an under age minor. Please remove it.
@ZEN-Record
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
But why the fuudufufufufufu name it that… Why so long and what is it even mean mastering a bathing?
@GregoryVincent-d9u
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
This story cannot be serious. It's just a joke, surely?
@peterdavidthompson4876
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Sorry its been done for thousands of years.😅😅😅
@BonanzaRoad
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
😂
@carllelendt5452
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Could it be that orgasm self reliance is threatening, especially in the context of self determination.
@kidonaboat
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
WTF. lmfao!
@RenTran1
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
0:55
“I just started yanking and it felt pretty good.”
“Wow”
@valentine1713
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Ah man, he beat me to it.
@davidwright8432
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 pm
Wow! Clearly a late developer. I'd discovered the pleasures of the Down Below while still in diapers. Age around three – and a half, to be modest. Diapers, no worse than warm wet, were very helpful. I later had arguments with various Parish Priests and holy Christian Brothers (an Irish teaching disorder) about sex, me, and god. Bluntly, sex and I, won. Not sure if being gay helped or hindered this. It was back in the day (I'm now 82) when homosexuality was extremely illegal, and a career-destroyer if detected – even wrongly. Medical note: orgasm can be produced absent both erection, and semen. Of course as a toddler, I had neither. I did, however, have pleasure.
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