The child who learned to disappear is still running your adult relationships | Nicole LePera
Become a Big Think member to unlock expert classes, premium print issues, exclusive events and more: https://bigthink.com/membership/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=membership&utm_content=bt-ytdesc-text-fi-lepera-8_ILxxufp78
Subscribe to Big Think on YouTube āŗ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvQECJukTDE2i6aCoMnS-Vg?sub_confirmation=1
Up next,
The blueprint for becoming an emotionally mature adult, in 68 minutes | Mark Manson: Full Interview āŗ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Swxy4tUE3s
Dr. Nicole LePera, the holistic psychologist and NYT bestselling author behind Reparenting the Inner Child, breaks down the 6 archetypes of childhood trauma.
LePera explains why insight alone never produces lasting change and walks through the science of reparenting: The practice of stepping in as the adult presence you may never have had.
0:00 Chapter 1: The six archetypes of childhood trauma
3:02 Personality vs. survival patterns
10:47 The hidden trauma you didnāt know you had
17:31 The 6 childhood trauma archetypes that still control you
23:45 Chapter 2: The inner child
29:16 What your inner child actually is (itās not what you think)
36:58 Chapter 3: Reparenting for lasting transformation
45:55 Reparenting: the skill that rewires your brain for good
Read the video transcript āŗ https://bigthink.com/series/full-interview/childhood-wounds/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=video&utm_campaign=youtube_description
Purchase Nicole LePera’s latest book āŗ https://bit.ly/4tdaOv7
Reparenting The Inner Child: The New Science of Our Oldest Wounds and How to Heal Them
Ā© Freethink Media Inc., All Rights Reserved.
———————————————————————————-
Go Deeper with Big Think:
āŗBecome a Big Think Youtube Member
Get exclusive classes and early, ad-free access to new releases without leaving Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/@bigthink/membership/
āŗBecome a Big Think Web Member
Get the entire Big Think Class library, premium print issues, live events, and more.
https://bigthink.com/membership/
āŗSubscribe to Big Think on Substack
Get all of your favorite Big Think content delivered to your inbox.
https://bigthinkmedia.substack.com/subscribe/
āŗListen to Big Think Interviews on Spotify
Insights from the world’s biggest thinkers, now as a podcast
https://open.spotify.com/show/7KRYoRD1NdF2aoQcBMyPlb
———————————————————————————-
About Nicole LePera:
Dr. Nicole LePera is a Holistic Psychologist and Founder of the virtual healing platform, SelfHealers Circle. She’s the author of The New York Times Bestselling book: “How To Do The Work” and “How to Meet Your Self.” Dr. LePera also hosts SelfHealers Soundboard, a weekly ad-free podcast. She’s the creator of the popular movement #selfhealers. Every day she releases free content to make healing and trauma education accessible, globally.
@JakePendleton
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I have a sort of unique inverse experience. As a child, I was a VERY good (more than just people-pleasing) kid. My parents could not hold space for my emotions, so they decided it was their moral duty as parents to demand good-natured compliance, which they called obedience, children's moral obligation to their parents. For some reason, even very young, I felt incredibly certain that shutting down (dissociation) was NOT the answer, so I got the very informative but also very painful experience of effectively deliberately putting myself "in danger" by constantly resisting. I'm so glad I did, but I have siblings who dealt with the same dysfunction who were not so inclined, and the result looks very different.
@jordybpeterson9046
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Wow this whole talk made me feel seen and understood.
@Kaittycat
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Been reading the Complex-PTSD book by Pete Walker as well as doing a lot of therapy, pretty much everything she says is on point.
@Yaravegxta
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I donāt ever think too much about how my childhood affected my life. I never really understood my mom and dadās relationship. When they broke up I was like 3 so I donāt remember much. I just remember my mom having different boyfriends and letting my dad be one of them sometimes. I donāt blame her at all. She was young when my dad met her so that whole situation is fucked as well. They ping ponged me back and forth when they ācouldnt take care of meā. My dad ended up secretly getting married to someone that hated me and my brother. If my dad ever took us out, he had to take her out separately also. Even as a child that bothered me so I stopped going out with my dad entirely. Because I felt, why can she do things with her daughters, but gets furious when my dad does things with us. Birthdays and holidays ended once I was 8. My dad would have to buy her daughters things on our birthdays as well. Was always called fat, crazy, gay, disgusting. Now that Iām grown, they moved less than a mile away from me and I havenāt been to their house once. I havenāt been to anyoneās house. I stopped talking to everyone in and out of my family. I just go to work and come home to my dogs lol. And my brother died. They won
@Tony-PanTone
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Wow – so much wisdom in the comments here. I'm 72 and still trying to remember and figure out exactly what happened and how I got here. This was great.
@saramirza6709
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Now what to do if my childhood was better than my Adulthood!??
@NichollePuls
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Growing up with out stress allowed me to feel my way through things. I was hyper aware of anything that felt weird or uncomfortable. I didn't understand i was working with my nervous system as an adult I went to massage school only due to my mother telling me about it before she died. I only decided to go after the director told me schools were set up to get us ready for corporate America. This truth hit me . Wow someone was finally telling me things my body understand even though I had no knowledge yet. Well I learned…that every thing I was doing to manage myself was real..then i gad to process that. Its been 12 years since then. Over the years I have seen this information coming out .it's beautiful. .I would love to talk to you…this is something that burns my ass. Knowing but not being able to implement to help others is frustrating.
@NichollePuls
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
This is priceless. I grew up without trauma. It has also been a struggle . Not knowing what other people/children were going through. As an adult when i found the truth of the horrible things children had been going through. Then i learned about the physical body and how are experiences create patterns. Im 53 and this information was not allowed when I was growing up. Now that we have access to new information to add to our system. That in its self is effecting our process. Everything has to be processed through our nervous system. The more knowledge we have about this the less confusing processing that which we are confronted with. Positive versus negative. The material world versus the spiritual. (Not religion )… the material world is a complete contradiction to the spiritual world. Like adding the wrong fuel to the car and wondering why it don't run right . It seems complicated till you FEEL. The difference ā¤. Love has to be at the top of the pyramid šfor things to work correctly….
@cleopatraa.s.9021
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Amazing video, great explanation, puts a lot in perspective! Thank you!!!
@adridelarosaj
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Brilliant. Beautiful. And beautifully delivered. Thank you so much ā¤ā¤ā¤ā¤ā¤ā¤
@poizonali
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Seems Iāve won the lottery of 6/6 archetypes š š
@johnminet9067
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Is it only me or multi archetype is the most commun? Well in my case? I am the only one ?
@rufarom.1341
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I find it sad and unfortunate that (a) I feel that no professional or person can relate to or understand with the mix of traumas and things I went through and family dynamic (b) suffering from a multitude of coping mechanisms (c) being hyper aware and feeling stuck…no matter how many books, article, or anything I read (d) that they make me a good corporate employee so from the outside I guess I am fine
@MrPushAT
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Loved this..thank you Big Think!
@user-li1gb6xm9u
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
This was amazing. Thank you for doing this interview.
@leedlelee89
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
The main issue is people grow up listing for relationships. When in reality we need to live on our own and be comfortable with ourselves and learn to love ourselves before getting into relationships.
@retronick1155
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Excellent talk and it gave me some new insight into myself and others around me. On the positive side, I think some of us may have formed good habits from childhood that we should acknowledge and may be quite beneficial today like keeping our natural curiosity or playful nature or still taking naps every day which I learned as a child to help relax myself.
@geepswitzer
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I am learning this at 59 years old after losing a 42 year relationship. The pain of that divorce is fueling me to learn and grow in emotional health. Thank you for your dedication to the matter.
@RiaJackson-g7o
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Is there a connection between childhood trauma and culture? For example, why are the parenting styles of Caribbean people so similar
@S1cV17aES7
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I have all six and an eternal craving to punish them for how their mismanagement left me with lifelong scars which prohibit me from having an emotionally healthy life.
@mmprendergast
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Got that Philly accent!
@N_HAIDER93
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
š„¹
@jennychou6571
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Ok, I'm screw. š
@choosetolivefree
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
26:31
@dirty_italian_
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I have never resonated with a video as much as this one. Thank you for your incredible insight and knowledge. And for letting me know I'm not alone or crazy and feeling the way I feel. I'm on a self-discovery journey after losing my mom, that has been extremely difficult at times. I'm a perfectionist, people pleaser, always feel like I need to be doing something or I'm being lazy. I have an incredibly wonderful husband who is patient with me, while I work through my own issues to be a better partner to him and to be kinder to myself.
@aneesahcruz
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
15:49 All of the above. And she was right about all of effects. What do I do if Iām trying to grow as a person (21) but still live at home with the same people who act the same way.
@stellarnomad42
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Maybe you're not "traumatized." Maybe you're just living in a society that doesn't provide what humans need: community, rest, security, meaning, genuine relationships; and no amount of inner child work will fix that because it's not an inner child problem.
It's a political problem. It's a material problem. And the entire wellness industry, including LePera's corner of it, is organized to prevent that thought from forming. Because if the problem is structural, the solution is collective action, not a membership platform. And collective action doesn't have a revenue model.
@CaribbeanMuva
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Thank you.
@tjrockel
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
well…sh*t
@michellemybelle9591
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
This is true. Jesus is the way to true healing!!! ā¤ā¤ā¤šššāļø. There's nothing wrong with pleasing ppl. APPEASING ppl is not healthy. I want to please God. And my family and friends. But NOT APPEASING, bc then I'm resentful and losing myself. Im so grateful for awareness! I can finally see the stuff and learning how to change, grow and heal.
@iamwabisabi3711
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
This video is the only video I ever need to watch…. Brilliant!!!! š š
@stevebickle8209
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Wow! This is exactly what i needed to hear today. Thanks BT for making this info available to the masses.
@starmaninthegrave485
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Identifying issues is great, but ways to treat those problems would be very nice as well
@stylishlytogether
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Is it just me or is there someone blowing up balloons in the background every now and then?! š¤
@mikedrop8865
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Life IS trauma. Iāve lived through some hellish things I wouldnāt wish on anyone, both in childhood and adulthood.
The notion that we can feel āemotionally safeā is like staring at the horizon and making it your goal to walk there. We have made the word trauma into an abused word and normalized what is in fact human experience. Just my opinion. Our biology is either learn/grow from negative experience, or stay focused on it and wish for some fluffy/ ethereal place of āsafe spacesā that simply does not and cannot exist in life.
@yuyayuyu1636
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Sooā¦ what happens when i had all of these from my parents?!š¬
@SirUncleCid
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Is this woman reading or talking?
@marcospelaez5970
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
16:10 and what if weāre a combination of 3-5 of these archetypes? Or basically allā¦
@santika9192
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I nearly cried watching this
@wwrk25
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
I'd so like to get this message out to others. Im 68 years old who's childhood Trauma is recently beginning to be treated. EDMR,. The insidious, exhaustion of fighting dead family members. Lost valuable time spending disassociate my physical body to not feel.
@iBeattRihanna
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
YOU DON"T KNOW ME!
@bernardzsikla5640
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
Ok, with these examples of "trauma" nearly everyone in Western societies could be and probably should be in therapy.
News flash, there is no "perfect" childhood and if the term trauma is applied with this therapist's definition, we are all traumatized.
My point would be, why are we psychoanalizing life to the point that everyone could be analysis?
It's like having a perfectly safe society where everyone is given there own personal police officer.
@CyntheaDouglas
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
What if I am all of those archetypes?
@skywalker58495
May 9, 2026 at 8:36 pm
You hit the nail on the head.
Comments are closed.