Town’s Teen-Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth
(From ONN on IFC TV, Fridays 10/9c) In local news from Pennington, IL, a handsome teen who owns his own truck is responsible for over half of new pregnancies. More local news at WONN5.com.
Onion
Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA In local news, a hero soldier from Pennington, IL is awarded for his service in Afghanistan barely ten years after he shit his pants in fourth grade. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
PSA: Ben Stiller Speaks Out Against Shaken Manchild Syndrome
More coverage of Shaken Manchild Syndrome on Onion News Network, Friday at 10/9c on IFC. Actor Ben Stiller urges parents with adult kids still living at home to think twice before shaking their manchildren in frustration.
Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish
Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.
Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of “Fast Five”
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed “Fast And The Furious” sequel. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart
A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.
Missing Teen’s Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.
Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia
Congress has pledged to consider looking into new sanctions following North Korea’s eradication of all life on the Asian continent. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal
Jim and Tracy welcome Celebrity Chef Ted Allen on Today Now! to show them how to make the most obnoxious, contrived meals for your dickhead foodie friends.
Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison’s Rigid Routine
Michael Falk interviews new prison inmate, disgraced financier, Brian Wasserman, and becomes spellbound by the repetitive monotony of daily prison life.
