Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures
On Today Now!, author Christine Eckard teaches Jim and Tracy to imagine economic problems as oily, curly-haired “Grabblers.”
Onion
Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation’s Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer
Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen’s home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint.
Joad Cressbeckler: NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Dreams
Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler takes NASA to task for getting full as a tick on the hard earned money of Americans.
How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You’re Banging On The Side
On Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress’ husband.
AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans
In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the ‘life of the party’ into a sanctimonious bore.
Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan
President Obama’s proposed high-speed train system will be replaced with a fleet of buses that will rocket along highways at speeds up to 165 mph.
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens ‘It’s Gay To Smoke’
The CDC’s new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you’re totally crazy for butt sex. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.
Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law
After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually enact legislation. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Perfectly Good Tire Just Sitting There Behind The Kroger
Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. The local Onion affiliate in Pennington, IL reports the tire is basically new and there for the taking.
