Are You Dating a Psychopath? | Big Think
Are You Dating a Psychopath?
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If you’re worried about the fact that you’re in a relationship with a psychopath, what can you do about that? What might be some certain things to look out for?
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KEVIN DUTTON:
Dr. Kevin Dutton is the author of The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success. Dutton is a research psychologist at the Calleva Research Centre for Evolution and Human Science, Magdalen College, University of Oxford.
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TRANSCRIPTION:
Kevin Dutton: Some of you may be wondering whether you’re actually in a relationship with a psychopath or whether you might have fallen for a psychopath in the past, and, if you are in a relationship with a psychopath, what you can do about that. Now, psychopaths do have certain characteristics, certain tells, to use a poker analogy, that they display in relationships.
They tend to play on our pity a lot, okay? So they tend to excuse their misdemeanors and bad behaviors through something that was beyond their control. They couldn’t help doing it because something had happened, and there’s always an excuse for it. And although psychopaths don’t feel emotions like us, they are masters at pushing those emotional hot buttons that elicit emotions in others, in us. Sympathy being one of the major, major motivators. Psychopaths often play on our pity. They excuse their own behavior because they were somehow hard done by.
Psychopaths also tend to be very narcissistic. They tend to think that the world centers around them. They’re not really attuned to your feelings. They don’t really care about your feelings. Really, ultimately, the world surrounds them.
Psychopaths are also very charming. They’re very manipulative, especially when they’re in a crowd, especially when they’re in company. But behind the scenes when they’re alone with you, they can be very, very controlling. Sometimes, but not always, aggressive, but psychologically controlling as well.
So if you’re worried about the fact that – that you’re in a relationship with a psychopath, what can you do about that? What might be some certain things to look out for?
Well, first of all, the absolute first thing to do is to not go on face value, to not fall for the smoke screen. A number one rule of thumb is to don’t judge a person on what they say, but judge a person on what they do. So that’s the very first thing. Look at the evidence of their behavior and try to judge it objectively, rather than subjectively. Not an easy thing to do, I admit, if you’re in a relationship with someone.
Secondly, if you suspect that your partner is a psychopath, why don’t you get a second opinion from one of your friends? Why don’t you confide in your friends: I think my partner’s a psychopath or I think these are the certain characteristics? Give me an honest opinion. What do you really think about my partner? And a second opinion – two heads are often better than one in this kind of case.
Thirdly, a golden rule is don’t cover for them. If they start getting into serious trouble and they want you to somehow front up for them or be an alibi or somehow make excuses or whatever, whatever. Don’t get tangled up into covering up for them because as soon as that starts happening, it’s called the “foot in the door” technique; a very, very common persuasive technique. Once you’ve done something for someone, you’re more likely to do other follow-up things for them. And before you know it, you’re in up to your neck. Okay?
And the fourth thing I would say is, buy my book because all the signs and all the tricks of the trade are in there. And forewarned is definitely forearmed when you’re dealing with psychopaths.
Directed/Produced by Jonathan Fowler & Elizabeth Rodd
@dcikaruga
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
Personally, I find them incredibly shallow people, all their tactics are qutie childish to me. Often degenerate behaviour really, low intellect, unaesthetic, completely selfish as well, I just get fed up with them in due time.
@TanmoySaikia-kw1jr
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
Good work
@wlyc319
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
He himself look like a psychopath
@jessikayoyo
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
This is all old stuff and so inaccurate. Nothing of this is true. We do feel emotions, we do care about certain people in our lives, we do want geuine happiness for our partners and we do want to do what's right and good for everyone. Most of us are good hearted people who just want goodness and happiness in the world. I'm one of those for example.
@goodness-may
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
“What you can do about that.”
Run
@hearsayfiles
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
I figured I am some sort of a primary
@tecateman40K
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
What if I actually feel bad but still lie. But am I still a…… social path? Or am I just a
"dick".
Because I'm fine with leaving a person behind to die but I fear it will hunt me for the rest of my days. But since I've never left anyone to die I'm scared I won't feel anything or ill en up just fucked in the head. I'm not sure 😅
@ReDr0go
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
He looks psychopath 😂
@iamstartower
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
don't want to suffer in relationships…always aproach them from what you hate from them and not from what you blindly believe you love…
@DavidSmith-sy2bp
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
Empathy is the true gauge of intelligence which becomes weaponised against you by the psychopaths ( see mask wearing and vaccinations to “ Protect “ others , sound familiar?
@scottwinter-sb6lp
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
My children mother is a psychopath
@Seoulmoonrhee
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
The 12th doctor looks a little different but I guess that's part of being a timelord
@Kiw4765
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
I also think a major link is an addictive personality to substances oh yeah and when they jump on your car bonnet
@MrPushupp
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
Your watching this to see if your the psychopath or not.
@adolphsanchez1429
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
I've never dated a psychopath, but I did date a girl whose personality traits were in line with most, but not all, of the narcissistic personality disorder criteria found in the Diagnostic Statistic Manual.
@cleander97
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
Yes
@muqeetanimation6183
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
i am not in a relationship with psychopath cuz i am one and i am happy about it seriously i am one
@angelaknox
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
Good video thank you
@sagittariusa4855
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
I have been there not just once, left me with mental illness,physically and mentally broken. He asks in the video, " what can you do when you are with a psychopath " ? RUN as fast as you can!!!
@juliat4908
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
Do you think anyone has ever watched this video and thought to themselves that they are a psychopath? Or are psychopaths even able to recognize their own mental illness?
@jarrodyuki7081
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
all psychology enters the domain of fate you cannot judge the mind of another human without interfering in the fate of that human therefore its a domain i dont tolerate.
@warboss1117
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
As a psychopath I've had all these traits used on me by normies!
@cuub1376
March 1, 2026 at 12:11 pm
All psychopaths watching this video: Thank you, I will definitely look out for that.
Comments are closed.