Love is a skill, not a feeling | Alain de Botton: Full Interview

Find this episode and other weekly Full Interview releases on our Spotify channel: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2rzz3cyNjQqVAARhOlThom

Listening to alan always makes everything much more understandable

He speaks nicely. Attachment theory sounds so plausible, it’s a great narrative. But it’s wrong. It reduces people to atomistic individual automata, blindly iterating familiar patterns. His take is a form of solipsism, a philosopher that by definition cannot relate properly but merely performs relating. It's not good advice for the real thing.

8:02 it is a bit ridiculous to base feelings to time spent 1:1. basic survival in which world/era will always need some of the time of our education

0:14

He looks so sickly it literally distracts me from what he's saying. I couldn't finish this.

Wish I saw this when it came out

16."For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

17."For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.”

John 3: 16-17 (King James Bible)

10. "As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:"

23. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”

Romans 3: 10+23 (King James Bible)

8. “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

9."Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him."

Romans 5: 8-9 (King James Bible)

9."In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him."

10."Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."

1 John 4: 9-10 (King James Bible)

1."Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand;

2."By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain.”

3."For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures;”

4."And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:”

1 Corinthians 15: 1-4 (King James Bible)

9. “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”

10."For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

13."For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Romans 10: 9-10+13 (King James Bible)

8."For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:"

9."Not of works, lest any man should boast.”

Ephesians 2: 8-9 (King James Bible)

"The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance."

2 Peter 3: 9 (King James Bible)

"Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth."

Luke 15: 10 (King James Bible)

27."And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:"

28."So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.”

Hebrews 9: 27-28 (King James Bible)

"But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”

Revelation 21: 8 (King James Bible)

“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Romans 6: 23 (King James Bible)

great

I think the first thing I remember feeling about romanticism and love in general, was how restricting it seemed. Isn't love a Christian term? Maybe I'm wrong about that idk.

sorry but how the f is he spaeking so smoothly? is he reading from a script or does he just know all of it off by heart?

In this video, philosopher and psychotherapist Alain de Botton explores the complexities of modern love, arguing that we should move away from the destructive ideals of Romanticism and embrace a more "therapeutic" approach to relationships.

Key Themes and Takeaways

The Problem with Romanticism (0:14 – 9:53): De Botton argues that our cultural obsession with instinct, "soulmates," and the belief that love should be effortless has been disastrous. He suggests that we rely too heavily on art and media to shape our expectations, leaving us unprepared for the actual work of being in a relationship.
Psychotherapy as a Guide (10:02 – 24:39): He highlights the importance of Attachment Theory (John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth), explaining that our childhood experiences with caregivers often dictate our adult relationship patterns. Many of us unconsciously sabotage healthy relationships because they feel unfamiliar or too intense compared to our childhood environments.
Relationships as a Skill (24:40 – 47:24): To have a successful relationship, we must treat love as a skill to be learned rather than a feeling to be followed. This involves:
Self-Knowledge: Understanding our own "crazy" or psychological patterns.
Repair and Communication: Moving away from blame and toward curiosity when conflicts arise.
Acceptance: Letting go of the idea of the "perfect person" and committing to the "good enough" partner.
Status Anxiety and Loneliness (47:25 – 58:13): The speaker discusses how modern secular society ties our self-worth to our careers, causing profound loneliness. He advocates for creating "secular temples"—community spaces for connection, vulnerability, and shared humanity—to help us overcome this isolation.

Conclusion: Alain de Botton emphasizes that the ultimate goal of life is to bridge the gap between ourselves and others through humility, generosity, and the conscious effort to love and be understood.

I love your mind, your book about marcel Proust is so memorable I still have in mind interesting anecdotes. You're brilliant, but froid is passé en décomposition. Psychology post covid is a whole new world. The concepts of the last century are interesting but mainly irrelevant, impractical, theoretical and distant. Today, the patient is teaching and learning with the therapists how to be treated and heal

Thank you, this help me to figure out myself

School of life helped me a lot in my maturity as a person. Forever grateful for that. Alain is onto something for sure.

Aloha, watching from Maui Hawaii. Thank you for this insightful video, I have had several ah!ha! moments to your commentary in other videos. I agree 100% about living closer to nature, & moved to be closer to it in my sunset years! I am not rich in material ways but wealthy in spirit.

As an artist i think love and art is similar. Theres talent, spark and inspiration, but masterpieces are achieved through this combined with perspiration and technique.

One question though: does relationship worth all these efforts?

10:10
14:29

amazing what you are saying! thank you for this amazing video! ❤

thanks from heart

I like all the content Alain puts out, but if we analyze love too much, the magic will eventually fade away. Yes, we need enough info to avoid the pitfalls of any of our actions, but most of the magic in our life is because it is shrouded in mystery.

Love is dying people are more selfish than ever.