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The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher | Big Think

Big Think | October 8, 2025



The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher
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Plenty of people are pessimistic about the state of relationships in society. Dr. Helen Fisher, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, isn’t one of them. She sees trends like extended periods of cohabitation before marriage and a persistent fear of divorce not only as interrelated, but also signs of a healthy change in attitude toward love. While marriage was once the start of a long-term relationship, she says, today is it’s the finale. And that’s a good way to cope with a brain whose primitive regions are driven intensely toward short-term relationships. Dr. Fisher also explains how to maintain novelty, the fuel of romantic love, and how to be aware of the brain regions that affect satisfaction in a relationship.
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HELEN FISHER:

Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and a Member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships — what she calls: slow love.
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TRANSCRIPT:

Helen Fisher: We all want to have a good, stable relationship with somebody and one of the problems with early stage, intense feelings of romantic love is that it’s part of the oldest parts of the brain that become activated. Brain regions linked with drive, with craving, with obsession, with motivation. And, in fact, some cognitive regions up in the prefrontal cortex that have evolved much more recently begin to shut down. Brain regions linked with decision-making, planning ahead, you know, people who are madly in love can fall madly in love with somebody who’s married, who lives on the other side of the planet, who comes from a different religion, and somehow they’ll say to themselves, “We’ll work it out.” We can work this out because of all that energy of intense romantic love and also the shutting down of various brain systems linked with decision-making. So one of the things that I say to people is, you know, before you decide to marry somebody spend some, a good deal of time with them so that some of that early stage intense feelings of romantic love can begin to subside and you can begin to really see what you’ve got. As a matter of fact, I’m very optimistic about the future of relationships because we’re spending so much time now getting to know somebody before we wed. You know a great many people are having these one-night stands and friends with benefits and living together before they marry. And there was a recent study in which they asked a lot of single people who were living together with somebody why have they not yet married. And 67 percent were terrified of divorce, terrified of the — not only the legal and the financial and the economic but the personal and social fallout of divorce. And so I began to realize maybe all of this hooking up and friends with benefits and living together is not recklessness. Maybe it’s caution. Maybe singles are trying to learn every single thing they can about a potential partner before they tie the knot. And in a short marriage — used to be the beginning of a relationship; now it’s the finale. And I think that that is very positive. As a matter of fact, I work with Match.com. I’m their senior, their chief scientific advisor. And we did a study of married people — not on the site Match.com, of course — of 1,100 married people. And I had reasoned: Well if there’s this long precommitment stage of getting to know somebody, maybe by the time you walk down the aisle you know what you’ve got; you’re happy with what you’ve got; and you’re going to build a long stable really happy marriage.

Maybe we’re going towards a time of happier marriages because relationships can end before you tie the knot. So within this study, I asked these 1,100 married people a lot of questions but one of the questions was, “Would you remarry the person you’re currently married to?” And 81 percent said yes. And I think that with what I call fast sex…

Read the full transcript at https://bigthink.com/videos/helen-fisher-on-how-to-sustain-a-long-term-relationship

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Comments

This post currently has 41 comments.

  2. @AngelaFrancesca-i6l

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    My husband and I have been married for over 20 years and I would definitely marry him all over again. I don’t have to worry about keeping things interesting because even though I’m very laid-back he is the most unpredictable man on the planet. I never know what to expect. I honestly never know what he’s going to think, say or do , even after all these years. Even though there are times where he sends me screaming into my pillow, it’s one of the things that keeps me madly in love with him. I really enjoy your videos. Thank you.

  3. @genehardman

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    I did not agree with the have sex even though as a young girl I did. It is a regret I have. My hubby really doesn't have the same regrets. 45 years together this Aug.
    Col 2:8. Don't let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

  5. @JosephCable-c7d

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    From whom the WHOLE BODY fitly joined together = (Marriage)
    and compacted by that which every JOINT supplieth, = (Children)
    according to the effectual working in the MEASURE of every part, = (Science)
    maketh increase of the body unto the EDIFYING of itself in LOVE. (Elevating)

  6. @stars_and_scars

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    in the western world, living with ur potential partner before marrying them seems to be a thing that may work.
    However, from my point of view, moving in with your partner, and having sex especially before marriage, that's more like u are marrying them, but just not in a legal way. You won't get the title of divorce, but it will scar your soul for life anyway.
    One can still stay in contact with someone and deepen a connection, almost naturally. Without forcing a connection to have to be deeper. First, you should marry them and then pour in all of you. If they love you, they must be willing to wait.
    You don't have to necessarily move in with someone, and spend nights with them to learn about their patterns of behaviors.

  9. @Canvas73120

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    so she is preaching to have hookup as much as possible, then what happens to our pair bonding instinct. u r right marriages r gonna be happy bcoz there will be very few to begin with. most women will not be with a man who is not in the top 10-20 % and men r learning that they have everything to lose in a marriage with ppl like u promoting infidility. so most men will never marry and for women, well they are prostitutes anyway,

  11. @you_bish

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    pls stop getting this old lady on the show I know she’s a scientist but i’m
    sure there are other non-white love experts that don’t have such american point of views

  13. @bog1dan

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    That's such a b*sh*t. New generation is just unable to work out a relation. They want things fast and they are not able to work it out and fight for a relation, it's just easier to get the next person and see if they match.

  15. @christophergraves6725

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    No, the woman might need to slow down because the woman tends to be attracted to the wrong men. But the man, if he truly falls in love and if you are the man you should feel the difference very clearly between love and lust or relatively mild infatuation, then he does not need to slow down and if he is truly in love, his feelings will NEVER lessen one iota. Men have a sixth sense about who is the right girl for him and he is the right man for her (and yes, I am using girl here to note a young, attractive woman-men are usually attracted to younger women because they are fertile and older women are not). What shapes a happy marriage for a woman is this passion that the man has for her that lasts for the rest of their lives.

    Why do men select the right girl but women tend to be drawn to the wrong man? Jane Austen noticed these problems in her novels, especially Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility. First is women tend to be viscerally attracted to men who are very different from themselves physically. This tendency contributes to her children having fewer genetic flaws but biological differences also affect temperament. People with very different temperaments usually, but not always, are less likely to be compatible over time. This is why the woman should wait to make sure that the man is right for her and she is not being affected by this instinct which can lead her astray. Men do not share this tendency. In fact, men's sixth sense points more similarity between him and the lady. Similarity, not difference, leads to a greater probability of compatibility as opposed to complementarity. Second, women tend to be drawn to jerks or troubled men. The Dark Triad of Narcissism, being manipulative, and extreme lack of empathy is appealing to quite a few women such as Jane Austen herself who based such as character in Pride & Prejudice, George Wickham, on a man she had fallen for in real life. Likely, the underlying sense is that these men will gain more power and wealth. That ain't necessarily so, but a lot of women and a lot of men think so. Nice guys finish first, e.g. Bruce Botchy winning multiple World Series with different teams. Men, in contrast, prefer kind-hearted women with a pleasant disposition. Naturally, this type of character is much more likely to make for a cooperative mate with an empathetic, caring disposition.

  19. @iraja333

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    Lol 😆 it's women asking for divorce 80 percent and men scared of marriage. Ask those women 35 plus. List of expectations. Stable men 35 to 55 or earning 100 grand plus are choosing younger 20 to 28 feminine women🤔 too many men makes attachments harder for women. She is mixing up marriage and sex relationships. She is talking about her own needs fantasy. Cobwebs. Men are preferring to stay single or just sex and bettering themselves than have a relationship.

  20. @hosackies

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    Meanwhile, children all over the world of all social classes suffer because us adults can't get our ish together because we're "exploring" our love, according to this idiot.

  24. @marquez93

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    How can we spend a long time with another human being when we the majority have barely learned to live with ourselves? Learned our own psychology? Then learning the other person

  25. @ShivaniRana-dy2xc

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    Rather than finding someone perfect, find someone who is willing to learn and grow and change for good. "Its not about having it all, its about choosing one person and making it work!" and ofcrs it should be both ways! The willingness to grow, to learn and to change for good ofcrs should be both ways!

  26. @capitalismisdivisionofevil8322

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    This woman in red is ONLY thinking from a shallow " fleshly way of life " and lacks spiritual discernment! She treats humans like a science project! Science can NEVER explain pure agape love! Few will experience it for they do NOT seek God!

  30. @chickenmama5051

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    My hubs and i dated for 3 years, then lived together for another 4, then got married….we have been together 22 years now. While the slow pace was due to my spouse, i think it worked for us.

  32. @dawnriddler

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    "If it were me, I'd wait at least 2 years". This is hilarious to me, because I need to date someone for at least a year just to decide if I want to be in a relationship with them, and then I'd need to be and live with them for at least 5 years to decide if I want the relationship to be actually serious. Getting married after only 2 years is wild to me. How can you decide the next 30+ years of your life based on only 2 years?!

  33. @andrewbuswell6010

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    Right from the start, she states everyone wants a long-term stable relationship which is completely wrong. She also seems obsessed with the oppressive institution of marriage for no obvious reason.

  37. @rugie6247

    October 8, 2025 at 7:13 pm

    I see friends and coworkers in and out of relationships omg it’s insane. Just how people rush into things, they just want everything fast boom boom boom. A happy relationship that lasts takes commitment and time. It simply cannot be rushed.

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