The 5:1 ratio that separates happy couples from divorced ones | John & Julie Gottman: Full Interview
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Every marriage’s disintegration is marked by the same four warning signs that researchers John and Julie Gottman can spot before a couple even finishes their first sentence.
The founders of the Gottman Institute break down decades of lab research on why relationships collapse, and what to look for in a partner so they can make it 50 years by your side.
0:00 Chapter 1: Why relationships fall apart
7:06 The four relationship killers
12:52 Betrayal, trust, and bids for connection
20:09 Is it ever too late?
25:01Chapter 2: How couples successfully repair a relationship
27:30 The four stages of healing betrayal
36:21 The one thing great couples do
43:23Chapter 3: Defining love
48:53 The secret to a great sex life
54:24 Love myths, busted
58:06 Reasons to not give up on love
Read the video transcript ► https://bigthink.com/series/full-interview/save-your-relationship/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=video&utm_campaign=youtube_description
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About John Gottman: World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, John Gottman has conducted 50 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. In addition to being named one of Psychotherapy Networker’s Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century.
Dr. Gottman is the author or co-author of over 250 published academic articles and more than 50 books, including best-sellers Fight Right, The Love Prescription, and Eight Dates, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, as well as The New Marriage Clinic, What Makes Love Last, The Science of Trust, The Relationship Cure, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.
About Julie Gottman: Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and Affective Software, Inc., Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is co-creator of Loving Couples Loving Children – a curriculum for couples struggling with poverty, co-creator of the immensely popular Art & Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, and co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Couples Therapy. A highly respected licensed clinical psychologist and educator, she is sought internationally as an expert advisor on marriage, the treatment of trauma and affairs, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, same-sex marriage, and gay and lesbian parenting.
Dr. Schwartz Gottman has been honored as the Washington State Psychologist of the Year and is the recipient of the Psychotherapy Networker Lifetime Achievement Award. She is author or co-author of many books, including best-sellers Fight Right, The Love Prescription, and Eight Dates, as well as The New Marriage Clinic, and The Marriage Clinic Casebook, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, The Man’s Guide To Women, and And Baby Makes Three. Dr. Schwartz Gottman has received wide recognition for her clinical psychotherapy treatment, with specialization in distressed couples, abuse and trauma survivors, substance abusers and their partners, and cancer patients and their families.
@arte7sol
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
I have gone through my list of exs while listening to the podcast. My relationships have been one sided. 😢 my gut has been right. I have selected the wrong partners for myself. Only one is a good man but timing was the issue. That is long gone. Now I have been focused on myself.
@peterdollins
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
I believe the worst advice my ex-Canadian wife ever took was a friend telling her I just lie there & let him do all the work. My partner did this & I felt she was a corpse. It disgusted me. (I needed to tell her but I didn't.) Second thing is she was always nagging & bitching. Perhaps I did not do enough for her but nagging & bitching was the worst possible way to change me. I did complain about this but no joy so I divorced her. I just needed to do it six or nine months together not after 6/7 years. Both she & I had tragedies in our lives & my Step Mother abuses of me after the death of my beloved mother at two years 10 months left me damaged.
@MixxxedFruuts
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
I needed to hear all of these things. After surviving DV I am still relearning how to connect and how to not always be in defensive or hypervigilant mode. There are so many little skills you have to relearn, it's like learning to walk again. Thanks so much ❤❤
@guymiklos
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Practical and constructive.
@tarnopol
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Luckily, my wife and I enjoy our mutual contempt. It's sexy!
Honestly, the human future is crumbling before our eyes and we are worrying about whether our marriages are perfect.
@alfacentauri3686
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
It is very scarry to step deeper into your vulnerability. You need a safe space for that. If you are met with criticism, etc. it’s not safe anymore and the conversation dies. And what is said there has to be kept secret, even after a divorce.
@juanignacionunez6615
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Muy interesante
@AbdullahAlHady-f7o
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Not me searching for Sara Rivers arche type quiz after seeing it mentioned three times today. I don’t even normally do these quizzes. The curiosity got me.
@constantfear
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
This was a difficult listen.
@siku2391
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
People don't change, and the existence of the "perpetual problems" displays that. If you need to cling to an unhappy relationship, if you look to " couples therapy" instead of for an exit, you're deeply mentally ill. Try therapy for yourself to understand what you want to be trapped in an artificial societal structure that isn't benefiting you.
@myrapanjaitan
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
How about working together “ family business”?
@Invasive-lover
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
marriage is a stupid tradition
@EdA-dp3nk
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
I appreciate you pointing out what’s important for women and trans gender women to be intimate. I didn’t hear what it is for men and what happens when to the relationship when there is none.
@Mofobagginz
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
thank you. the point about paying attention to your body to judge emotion is very valuable to those on the spectrum
@Airwinger63
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Thanks!
@Airwinger63
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Thanks!
@Airwinger63
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Thanks!
@Kii230
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
43:12
@kbm_94
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Incredible video!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for this
@Abril-1234
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
I admire this couple and their research and work very much.
@Lifetarian555
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
We’re fans of Midsomer Murders too 😀
@SanjayKumarYadav-qn2gu
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
If you always feel like your thoughts are running faster than you can handle, Clara Hartley’s anxiety quiz is worth checking out. It might help explain why certain situations affect you so strongly.
@olyachi2287
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Listen, let's remember we are talking here about the people who chose each other with almost always the best, the very best intentions. So then let's don't skip a question how is it actually possible they become so destructive to each other? And that can't be answered if we stay in the individual to individual relation. We are finding more clarity why those perversions actually appear when we see the sick Patriarchy hierarchy behind the scenes.
@reedie2000
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
I really appreciate all the science and research that undergirds their therapeutic approaches. They know what works and what doesn’t. I remember seeing them on network television 25 years ago. My one takeaway even then was to never treat anyone with contempt unless you want to burn bridges.
One other thing I’d like to say: their voices are so calming and they speak with such intention. I usually feel frazzled and brain-fogged after spending time on YouTube, but this was a satisfying and delightfully refreshing drink of water.
@robinr3693
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
My husband's testosterone plummeted and he stopped medication without telling me. He lost all sexual desire. Finally declared no interest even though his cross dressing didn't go away.
@carlosrosas3525
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
You guys are incredible. Thank you for this video.
@lil----lil
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
FYI: This is not just for husband/wife this applies to ALL relationships… especially your friends and families.
@PianoMatronNeeNee
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Thank you so much 🙏Shabbat shalom
@ericpratum
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Failed repair attempts have always stuck with me, at least since I became familiar with them through your work. Intending to repair something isn’t enough. If enough trust has already eroded, the other person can hear the same words as manipulation or another attack.
Couples need to talk about what repair looks like before the next fight, not try to invent it while both people are flooded. Of course, there's another difficult thing to ask couples to do.
@notebooking_with_mindy
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
guy's voice sounds Casey Kasem (lol)
@9l0wing0ne
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
So many good gems in here ❤️🥹
@atomicnoexcept
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
The Gottmans forever changed how I perceive relationships. They are awesome at what they do. ❤
@sunny_berries788
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
I don’t understand the sensationalist title. Most couples are in the grey zone between a “happy couple”, and “divorced couple”. I also hear many divorced couples continue having (at least ocassional) sex, and also just because they stay married doesn’t mean they are happy. And the biggest lie of all: if it lasts (a long time), it must be happiness. But I also understand books can’t be sold and profits can’t be made without sensationalist titles and absolutist black and white statements. 🎉
@AHumanBeingWonders
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
Honestly, the Gottmans should counsel Israel in regards to their neighbors and its inability to hear any feedback on their behavior from the West or otherwise: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt
Stonewalling. Zero healthy, open relationships.
@JakeSezz
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
35:13 Hi! That’s me. And, as a therapist, growing up like this is both a boon & an anchor. It permeates most relationships, personal & professional, and causes nonstop awareness of myself. It’s absolutely exhausting 😂
@j.langer5949
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
John & Julie Gottman! OY VEY!
@cookinginthestadium
August 22, 2026 at 2:56 pm
My partner split with me after 7 years. She thought I didn't love her (anymore?) despite what we had been through..turns out she had a secret drug addiction.